Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
