how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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