i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
