you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
this hospital has no fireball
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
