I'm going to jail i love you
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
