i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
