you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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