So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
