I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
