You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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