yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
