I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
