When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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