Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
