Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
