I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
