Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
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