Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize