I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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