i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I think my moral compass just broke
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
