Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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