I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
