My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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