my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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