I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You made out with two different species that night
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
