i'm signing you up for texting rehab
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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