Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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