My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
