Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
