so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Randomize
