Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
