I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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