history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
