I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
