I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Someone shit on the floor
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
