Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
