Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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