I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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