if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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