I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize