someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I intend to get homeless drunk
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
