His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
