All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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