Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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