I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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