Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
