are you so shy because you have an std?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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