I can't watch pbs sober anymore
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
