jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
