I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize