so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I just gift wrapped bread.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
