you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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