Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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