I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
