I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
