i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
