Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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